


Because it's really not

by smaragdbird



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-08-31
Updated: 2011-08-31
Packaged: 2017-10-23 07:18:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 617
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/247645
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smaragdbird/pseuds/smaragdbird
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean thought the damn angel had incinerated himself in the warehouse that afternoon; he was trying to come to terms with it, he really was, but then...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Because it's really not

The first thing Dean did when they had a bit of air after the disaster with Adam and Michael was to call Castiel's cell.

More than a few times actually.

He left more than just a few text messages, too.

Castiel didn't call back.

Then Dean checked the internet for any unusual appearances of a man that matched Cas' description but no luck.

He tried a reverse version of the banishing sigil but nothing happened.  
He didn't tell Sam but he even went to a medium but she couldn't find any trace of an angel called Castiel.

It was as if Cas had never existed at all.

Instead of giving up Dean called Cas a few more times and left a few more text messages, one more desperate than the next because Castiel had every right to hate him if he would only please call back.

When even the news of Gabriel's death didn't bring Cas out of his hiding place Dean accepted what a little voice in his head had told him ever since Cas had walked into that warehouse with the banishing sigil carved into his chest:

The angel was dead.

Dean remembered the moment he had accepted that truth in every detail: He had been on his way to the toilette of the crappy diner he and Sam had eaten breakfast in when he had caught a man in a beige trench coat with the corner of his eye but it hadn't been Castiel, just some stranger. Dean remembered how he had calmly walked into the washroom and then thrown in the sink as soon as he had seen his own reflection.

He hadn't killed Cas with his own hands but it was his fault that he was dead, only his. He had been a crappy brother for Sam and Adam, he had been a crappy friend for Bobby and he had been a crappy, well, he could admit it now, couldn't he? A crappy boyfriend for Cas.

Crappy probably wasn't a strong enough word for what he had been. A selfish coward hell-bent on self-destruction would fit better.

He had failed Cas and he had failed Adam. All he had left were Sam and Bobby, so he had to move on and be strong for them if not for anyone else.

 

"Hello?"

"Dean."

"Cas?"

Sam asked something but Dean gestured him to shut up. His heart pounded so hard against his chest that it hurt:

"We thought you were dead. Where the hell are you, man?"

But of course Cas being alive wasn't a fairytale ending because those never happened in real life.

And for a brief, intense moment he wanted Sam and Bobby gone so that he could break down like a girl at the phone and tell Cas all the things he had never told him.

 

"So, you're human now?" Dean asked when they were back at Bobby's house after the ordeal with Pestilence.

"Yes." Castiel said shortly and managed to sound even crabbier and more impatient than usual.

"We..I...thought you-"

"I know." Castiel interrupted him and yeah, they had covered this part of the conversation earlier already.

"I owe you an apology, too." There he said it: "So, I'm sorry Cas. I'm really sorry."

"I know." Castiel repeated but it sounded softer than before.  
"You do?"

"Yes."

Dean took a step forward, then another and finally, carefully wrapped his arms around Cas. The angel relaxed only gradually but he did so Dean held on until he felt Cas awkwardly wrap his arms around Dean's waist.

He buried his face in Castiel's neck and tried not to cry when Cas said quietly:

"It's okay, Dean."

Because it really wasn't.


End file.
